So you’re considering a split and thinking, “How can I make this the most tumultuous and chaotic experience of my life?” Well, you’ve come to the right place! Dive into this comprehensive guide on how NOT to handle a divorce. Because, honestly, who wants a smooth and painless separation? (Heads up, heavy sarcasm ahead.)
- Don’t Communicate
Why make things easy? Instead of discussing your feelings, finances, and other important topics, just give your partner the silent treatment. They can totally read your mind, right?
- Choose the Most Expensive Divorce Lawyer in Town
Why go for a reasonably priced attorney who’ll get the job done efficiently when you can drain your bank account on a lawyer who’ll charge you for every breath you take during a consultation? You don’t get that kind of service from affordable divorce lawyers now, do you?
- Make Social Media Your BFF
Share every single detail of your divorce journey on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Daily rants, melancholy quotes, and cryptic messages will surely help you in court later on. And the “likes”? So worth it.
- Use Your Kids as Pawns
Make sure every decision you make isn’t in the best interest of the kids, but rather to annoy your soon-to-be ex. After all, what’s more fun than a game of emotional chess?
- Don’t Compromise. On Anything. Ever.
Your partner suggests splitting the furniture? Nonsense! You want it all! The vintage tea set that you never liked? You need it now more than ever. It’s all about principle, you know.
- Listen to EVERYONE’s Advice
Your hairdresser, the mailman, that random lady in line at the supermarket – they’re all seasoned divorce experts, right? Take every piece of unsolicited advice and try to implement it simultaneously for maximum confusion.
- Avoid Counseling Like the Plague
Sure, couples therapy or individual counseling might help you navigate the stormy seas of divorce. But why seek clarity and emotional stability? Overrated.
- Have a “Who’s More Miserable?” Competition
Instead of focusing on healing, constantly compare your post-divorce life with your ex’s. The aim? To always be the more miserable one. Happiness is so last year.
- Change All Passwords (Dramatically)
Revamp your online credentials. Password suggestions: “SingleAndNOTReadyToMingle” or “BetterOffWithoutYouJanet”. Subtlety is the name of the game.
- Throw a Divorce Party… with All Mutual Friends
Invite every friend you both share. Create awkwardness by making them choose sides right then and there. Fun party games include “Who Knows the Divorcee Best?” and “Pin the Blame on the Ex.”
- Invest in a T-shirt Printing Business
Get shirts made with slogans like “I Got the House” or “Divorced & Still Fabulous”. Wear them every time there’s a possibility of bumping into your ex.
- Buy Exotic Animals
Because what says “I’m coping” like purchasing a flock of flamingos or a couple of kangaroos? Your ex will wonder where you’re getting all this cash, and your neighbors… well, they’ll just be perplexed.
- Write a Book
Detail all the nitty-gritty of your failed marriage in a tell-all book. Be sure to include every minuscule argument over unwashed dishes and forgotten anniversaries. Bestseller material right there.
Or, you know, maybe just do the opposite of all of this instead, and have a great divorce where you can walk way feeling peaceful, calm, and maybe even a bit happy?
(Disclaimer: This content is a partnered post. This material is provided as news and general information. It should not be construed as an endorsement of any investment service. The opinions expressed are the personal views and experience of the author, and no recommendation is made.)
